How to Be...Plogged.

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thursday june 9th, 10:15pm

dear mom and dad. 

it’s your dog. 


remember that time you bringed me to auntie lady’s house and then left me there, cause i do. 

it was tonight. 

and see i was doing the thinking that you were going to come back so imagine my greatness of surprise when auntie lady walked through the door. it was actually a bit disappointing if you’ll know but you would be so proud of me cause i wiggled and wiggled to give her the idea that i was happy to see her but really i was thinking of you the whole time and that is a thing called pretending.


aunty lady said you’ll be back before i know it but doesn’t she even know that i don’t know it so i actually don’t know it so that makes no sense. and also she even said that a special person was going to come and see me and i have to tell you that i am really doing the hoping that this person is actually CARROT TOP because did you even know that besides hedgehogs he’s my favorite guy.


i have to go to bed now and this is actually really a difficult thing because do you even remember those two dumb bunny cats that are keeping bothering me and making me protect auntie lady and sister wife from them every minute i come to auntie lady’s house to make her happy? well guess what. they are still here and that is what we call a major letdown. 

i love you more than carrots love cake. 

your dog. 


9 june 2016

Dear people who left that big black dog here, 

Kindly retrieve your beast. 

Fond regards, 



friday june 10th, 11:38 pm

dear mom and dad. 

it’s your dog. 


remember how i told you of that special person that was coming to see me? he’s here.

spoiler alert:

it’s not CARROT TOP.

and so i have to tell you i am getting really good at pretending to be excited when the people come in through the door that i am actually not wanting to see at all. 

but this special person’s name is PATTY CAKES and even though that’s a not a real name he’s actually not so bad because he knows that actually i am pretty much the greatest of dogs and he is doing the thing of telling me how handsome i am all the time and so actually maybe it’s okay that CARROT TOP couldn’t make it. 

also, this is not called tattling, it’s called knowing something that you should be knowing and then telling that thing and that thing is the thing of actually sister wife has some jealousy issues and that is not a good look on her if i am telling the truth. she’s a little bit actually ungrateful because you know that bag that has my delicious-delicious in it that you brought with me?  it has the treats you packed me because i am a good boy and the bottle of liquid sunshine that makes aunty lady smile and kiss my head seventy-eleven times and then do some singing while she's in time out in her corner? well did you know that a purple hippo bandit that you got for me even though you were doing the pretending by saying it was for sister wife? well, he even snuck into that bag to hitch a ride here and sister wife is actually pretty naive because she doesn’t even know that hippos are so darn fast and they are actually pretty dangerous and she is so lucky that i am here to protect her from that purple guy.


update: purple hippo bandit is dead.

i am just doing some wondering. what do sister wife and aunty lady actually do when i am not here to protect them from all these things?

i need to go to bed now and don’t you even worry because i’m keeping those dumb bunny cats trapped under the bed because that’s actually where they belong. auntie lady and sister wife are so lucky but i am not because actually they are bed hogs and the only kind of hog i like is of the hedge.


i love you more than sister wife likes to bark in my face.  


your dog. 


10 June 2016

Dear people who continue to leave their big black beast here,

I’m currently hostage in my own home and respectfully request that you please remedy this tout suite. 




saturday june 11 4:53pm

dear mom and dad. 

it’s your dog. 


i miss CARROT TOP.

i am just really thinking that probably he would not hug my face as much as aunty lady does and PATTY CAKES keeps taking all these moments of me with his talking device and that is called infringement and i am knowing this because sister wife told me this and she knows because she is actually a big fan of cop shows. 


but the good news in this story is that auntie lady and patty cakes left now and actually sister wife and i finally have a little alone time with her and that is a thing called rare because auntie lady is in punishment quite a bit actually did you know that and that is meaning she is here ALL THE TIME?

she has to sit in the corner and at first i was doing the thinking that she was just looking out the window but sometimes she shouts a little bit and i am thinking she must have done something really bad like pee in her bed to have to do this every day. but she is so lucky because sometimes when i am feeling generous i will sit on her lap a little because no one should have to really sit in a corner for that long every day. 


i love you more than sister wife likes peanut butter. 


your dog. 


11 June 2016

Dear people severely lacking the wherewithal to retrieve their big black beast from my home. 

Day 2. Held hostage. Under the bed.

I’ve not eaten or eliminated in 51 hours. This is extremely urgent. I’d prefer to settle this civilly but will pursue legal action if necessary. 

In expectation of your prompt attention to this matter,



sunday june 12th, 10:38pm 

dear mom and dad. 

it’s your dog. 


i am actually getting a little concerned here at the moment because auntie lady left a while ago and sister wife is actually being really boring because i am suspecting that she might be over-the-hill and i don’t mind an older lady but this is actually what we call a deal breaker if she can't keep up with me. auntie lady still is not back and actually i could really do with a treat or two and so you see my problem. 


in the news of good things, i have learned a delightful trick and that is called drinking water out of sister wife's bowl and transforming auntie lady’s kitchen into a swimming pool and this is even so nice of me seeing as we are entering into these hot summer months and we all know that con edison is actually really what we call highway robbery so auntie lady should really be expressing some more gratitude for me. 


the other trick that i have been working so hard at doing is drinking so much water to stay hydrated and then walking into the living room and doing that thing that the pantene hair ladies do on the television box and that is called the great hair flip and i am even so good at that and did you know how much sister wife likes that and she even licks my face afterwards which is actually you call true love. 

PATTY CAKES left today and i am really crossing my paws that CARROT TOP shows up later because don’t you even know i can teach him my pantene hair flip trick and i am betting that he’d be so good at that. 

i love you more than hedges love hogs. 

your dog. 


12 June 2016

Dear #*$&#^@* people who have forgotten their big black beast in my home rendering me captive under a bed.

Day 3. 




monday june 13th: 9:58 am

dear mom and dad. 

it’s your dog. 


today is the day of monday and that is widely known as the day of getting up with the sun and i am proud to report i did this thing and auntie lady and sister wife were even being so lazy that i had to clip clip clip back and forth between the living room where i was sitting on the corner of the big dog bed that auntie lady thinks is hers and i was even protecting everyone from those dumb bunny cats that keep trying to sneak out from the kennel that i put them in when i got here and then back to the bed where auntie lady and sister wife were being so unproductive. 


it was even getting to the point where i was in a position of being forced to put my head right up next to auntie lady’s face and moo-barking at her to wake her up because actually i was concerned about her safety because her face was down and she looked a little bit like a very dead starfish and so actually i was just being thoughtful by moo-barking to wake her up and also i was even knowing that she loves farm animals so this was thoughtful and a big consideration and i was thinking she would be liking to wake up like this. 

fact: she did not. 

i am thinking that maybe we need to talk to auntie lady about that thing that is behavior because she must have been so bad and chewed on someone’s shoe because did you know she was sitting in the corner again today all day? i took very good care of her and brought her toys since she wasn’t allowed to leave and then i took care of sister wife which most of the time just involves me putting her stupid loud head in my mouth. 


i love you more than moths love balls.

your dog. 


13 june 2016

f*$&@(&@* people with that big black beast dog,

your time is running out. 



Tuesday June 14, 2016 

2:31 pm 

Dear Mom and Dad. 

It’s your dog. 


I have been hearing the telling of the news that you are coming back to save me from the awful dumb bunny cats that are haunting my dreams and do you even know that even though I have winned at keeping them in their dumb bunny cat jail under the bed that even the black and white dumb bunny monster cat ‘scaped and then even tried to smack my face and that is called actual assault and what sister wife telled to me was a “gross injustice” but auntie lady even yelled at both of us and that is actually pretty unfair. 

do you even remember that adorable toy that i was giving to sister wife and that is called a kong ball? well she didn’t even know that actually you have to pretty much eat those guys right away otherwise they go bad so i was doing that for her and she wasn’t even really appreciative and i am thinking maybe it’s time for you to explain to these people here how things work. 


also auntie lady is really needing some learning because she does not even know that peeing is a process and i think it’s really too sad that poor sister wife has to pee in this one spot even all the time and so i just decided to do a thing that is called take a stand and show auntie lady that we are being deserving of going for a little tiptoe through the tulips otherwise known as walking.


i love you more than mustaches love tom selleck. 

your dog. 


p.s. i am getting the feeling that even one of the dumb bunny cats may be being a little hungry and that means angry and that means maybe a bad time for poe so maybe you could even come help a little.



14 June 2016

#*$%&%@(!! people with that blasted big black beast,

day 5.

you have until 11:59pm tonight.

or else.